I told y鈥檃ll leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 馃槶
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The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Let鈥檚 get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won鈥檛 stop screaming at us.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they鈥檙e getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i鈥檓 sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Found the job I’m suited for
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”