I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses