Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I cannot call her anything else now
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!