It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
catch me on valentine’s day like
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.