Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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When I pack too much for a short trip.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*