The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Catercrombie & Fish
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”