My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.