What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Breaking news:
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
WTF IS THAT!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.