When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.