A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
😂💯
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)