I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
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Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor