*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
what day is it?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.