*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
How actors in movies eat their food
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
britain’s three elite institutions
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people