me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
You Might Also Like
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
he looks great for his age
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.