Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.