Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
#oldknees
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Something Saturday.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir