Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The Birdles
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.