Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
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My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.