I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”