I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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is this meant to deter me
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
a public service announcement
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
my favorite genre of twitter
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.