Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Squirrels before girls.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
tis the season
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.