I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.