I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.