The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
peeping toms
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.