when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
when you order from DoorDastardly
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams