marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You Might Also Like
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
…żyje?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?