*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Need WebMD
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
scared to check what name she chose
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.