Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
A French press is when you hug naked
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind