A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!