[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
bears
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE