Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
boat question
🤣