me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a