What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits