I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”