COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*skinny dips into black hole
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Strange
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.