Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
real
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.