Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?