Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
You Might Also Like
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.