i will avenge u mr van gogh
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok