7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here