Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.