Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood