“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
According to math, I’m broke
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”