Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey