Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
They’re on their honeymoon
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
That de-escalated quickly
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me