猸愶笍 LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Well well well…
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.