I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Coffee for people with no kids
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”