Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen