*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
You Might Also Like
drew a comic about my origin story
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Boom, boom, ching!
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
And then there were 4
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.