God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
You Might Also Like
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.